Two new episodes!
We just posted two new episodes this week:

Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 3


The Horribly Bloody Death of Kairi

Give 'em a listen:

Episode 7: Transformers in Love: A Fanfic Anthology
Brace yourselves.  No longer content with limiting ourselves to a single short story, we have decided to unleash an unholy triumvirate of fanfics replete with cybersexual eroticism, techno-organic pregnancies, and self-insertion robo-fetishist wish-fulfillment.  That's right: this episode of Crap Fic Theater showcases some of the rather idiosyncratic quirks (if not creepy obsessions) found in some of the darkest corners of Transformers fandom.  As the title of this episode suggests, we have selected three Transformers stories that deal explicitly (and we do mean explicitly) with the love that dare not speak its name.  In short, this episode lets its robosexual freak flag fly as we present to you a menagerie of Harlequin-esque stories about robots fucking, falling in love, and getting pregnant (should have used a robo-prophylactic!).
  • "Becoming One" (Bonita Prime): Notorious for her online betrothal to a fictional character, Bonita Prime (also known as The Real Mrs. Optimus Prime) is a self-insertion virtuoso who has written a plethora of fanfics about her author avatar gettin' it on with Autobot leader Optimus Prime.  In this short story, a techno-organic fembot named Selita (which conveniently rhymes with Bonita) falls prey to the roguish charms (not to mention the irresistible robot ass) of Optimus Prime, and describes--in exhaustive detail--her first sexual liaison with her future sparkmate.  The mysteries of Autobot genitalia are revealed!  And in order to cater to her specialized audience of  robo/human fetishists, Bonita goes to great lengths to reassure us that her Mary Sue might be a fembot but she totally looks like a human female.  Whew!  Now I know what to fantasize and fap to imagine as I read this.  Oh, wait.  There's also the fan art.  Goddamnit.
  • "Transformers [sic] Cybertron: My Life," chapters 1-2 (Ms. Lady Prime): Competing with Bonita as the headmistress of Prime's Harem, Ms. Lady Prime gives us a short (and I mean really short) multi-character narrative of another shameless Mary Sue bumping mechanical uglies with Optimus Prime.  But there's a twist: Ms. Lady Prime is pregnant with their daughter-to-be Celestial Prime.  If you've ever wanted a sneak peak at the delivery rooms on Cybertron, you are in for a special treat.  Features a dramatic conflict with Megatron that functions only to highlight the author avatar's insane jealousy of Prime's dead wife and backwards sexual politics.  But don't expect much narrative tension as the author dispenses with all subplots with a hand-wave and a couple of paragraphs.
  • "The Miracle of Life" (supermoi): But don't worry, Decepticon fans!  In our next story, male pregnancy (or m-preg) enthusiast supermoi recasts Megatron and Starscream as a traditional sitcom couple coping with the forthcoming pitter-patter of little feet.  Yes, Starscream is robo-preggers (miraculously enough) and he's a hormonally imbalanced mess.  That doesn't stop him from engaging in some slashtastic sexual foreplay with Megatron, of course.  But, really.  Not even that strange, out-of-nowhere sexual interlude (complete with ambiguous genitalia) can prepare you for the insane, borderline interminable labor scene where Starscream shouts out lewd insults, Megatron coos at his litter of sparklings, and the Constructicons inexplicably seem to morph into the cast of Private Practice.  You will learn more about the robot reproductive system than you ever wanted to know.
A special thanks to the Transformers' Afts community for helping me prepare this episode.

Update Backlog!
 As you might have noticed, I've treated my LifeJournal in a fairly neglectful fashion, and have not posted anything here about the numerous updates I've made since I started this crazy project.  So in the interest of keeping those of you following this account in the loop, here's a quick rundown of the fanfic audiobooks we've produced since last time:

Episode 4: Light and Dark The Adventures of Light Yagami, chapters 1-6
Episode 5: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2
Episode 6: Judge Brainitite
Bonus Episode: Thirty Hs

And there you have it!  Hopefully I'll be a little more vigilant about updating the good old LJ in the future.

Status Update
The long wait for iTunes approval of Crap Fic Theater continues. For real. At this rate, we should have a link ready for you by the beginning of November.

In other news: we are currently knee-deep in three projects. I thought I'd go ahead and update you on the status of each future audiobook:

Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami - 100% recorded, 40% edited
(No, we didn't expect this to be our next project either... but we found ourselves entranced by its undeniable aura of suck. Troll-fic or not, this is a real charmer.

Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 2 - 100% recorded, 25% edited
(The more I read this, the more I fall in love with Tom Dyron's nuttiness. If anyone can get me in contact with the author for an interview, please let me know.)

Artemis's Lover - 75% recorded
(Considering the nature of this fanfic, I'm not sure if I should release a censored, an uncensored, or a partially bleeped out version of this fanfic. I haven't recorded the "hentai section" yet, and honestly don't know if I want to. There are some parts I already know I want to bleep out; at the same time, I don't want to compromise the integrity of our program. Then again, this fanfic is just too vile to come out unmolested (no pun intended). Maybe I should just dump it into a flaming garbage heap and forget I ever considered recording this monster.)

And, of course, everything will be posted here:

And that's it. New audiobook should be posted on Friday.

Episode 3: Evangelion II: DELTA Invasion, chapter 1
Tom. Fucking. Dyron. What can we say about him that hasn't already been said? Let's go through the basics. He's a beer-guzzling kick-boxing champion, a trash-talking computer hacker (or "l33t h4x0r," if you prefer), a roided-out airforce pilot, a super-suave culinary genius, a thrash metal musician with a heart of gold.... and he's gonna take a steaming shit on Neon Genesis Evangelion. In the first chapter of this notorious Evangelion self-insertion fanfic, Tom Dyron (the author and the character) gets everything hilariously wrong, transforming the series' deconstructive, hyper-cryptic narrative into a substandard episode of WWE Monday Night Raw and its cast of neurotic manic-depressives into smack-talking badasses (nowhere else could we see Misato belt out a triumphant "hell yeah!" after a battle). And then things get really stupid. No, really. Just wait. I haven't even mentioned our antagonists: an incompetent, glass-jawed race of mix-and-match critters called (hilariously enough) "the Invadors [sic]." Protracted, borderline incoherent fight scenes (with fight choreography that's lame even by the lax standards of professional wrestling) are crudely stapled to treacly teen melodrama, as the Evangelion universe is reduced to little more than a backdrop for Tom Dyron to demonstrate his awesomeness. I wouldn't recommend any drinking games where you take a shot after every dubious retcon or instance of irreparable canon defilement.

And that's just the first chapter, folks. We at Pamachu Productions are committed to producing at least the first four chapters, and might consider recording the entire thirteen episode extravaganza (if there's a demand for it).

(And, yes, this ends our update extravaganza. Expect updates to come on a semi-weekly basis from now on.)

Issei Meets the Sailir Scout Girls
 f you've ever pondered the possibility of a self-consciously comedic fanfic from Issei Mataloun, then prepare to be painted ten shades of disappointed.  The results are about the same as the rest of his oeuvre.  In "Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Scout Girls," the pre-teen avenger in short pants returns to dish out some serious ultra-violence on the devil Sailor Moon fandom.  This self-insertion fanfic features the same sort of gonzo theatrics and head-scratching lunacy that made his Hellstorm Evangelion series such a knee-slapping delight (minus the homoeroticism).  Tangled and incoherent prose punctuates even the most rudimentary of scenes (I dare you to parse out the meaning of "falem of light"), and Issei mischaracterizes the entire Sailor Moon cast as a gaggle of hyper-ventilating, sex-starved idiots who periodically burst into geysers of blood and gore (you may shed a tear as Usagi mourns the death of her beloved Mamoru by exclaiming, "And I didn't get to fuck him!  WAAAAAH!").  Issei goes hog-wild with the deus ex machinas as characters are killed and resurrected ad infinitum, and he also seems to take an inordinate amount of pleasure writing superlative character introductions ("Who you?"  "Issei!  Isseim [sic] Mataloun!").  It all concludes with one of the most anti-climactic shoot-outs in fanfic history (this is what passes for comedy in the Isseiverse) and a climactic celebration where "everyone was JAMMING."  But seriously.  It's an Issei Mataloun fanfic.  What do you expect?
And trust us: nothing can prepare you for Issei Mataloun's transformation into a bishoujo superstar.

Coming Soon: Issei Meets the Sailir Scout Girls
Yes, that's right.  We're about 80% finished with our audiobook dramatization of "Issei Meets the Sailir [sic] Girls," the notoriously incoherent gender-bending Sailor Moon fanfic from Issei Mataloun.  We're currently in negotiations with Rage Against The Machine, as we're hoping Issei's predilection for name-dropping his favorite band within the fic itself will finally convince them to record an original Mataloun-flavored track for us.  So far, they have not returned our phone calls.

Expect the completed audiobook to be posted either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Click here for the blog, and keep checking back for updates.

The beginning of an era
 Welcome to Pamachu Productions, world renowned makers of free crap!

We at Pamachu Productions would like to welcome each of you to Crap Fic Theater.  We are dedicated to crafting first-rate audiobook productions of some of the -- ahem! -- more infamous works of anime-flavored fanfiction produced on the internet.  Of course, the expansive network of terrible fanfiction curdling in every corner of the internet is far too intimidating for one person to handle; for this reason, I hope to focus my attention on the flabbergasting and exasperating, the bad and the goddamn beautiful, the most dreadful of the dreadful.  In other words, we're going to create audiobooks of those precious few fanfics that have attained some "cult status" as the cherries atop the proverbial shit-sundae.  Think of us as the Criterion Collection of garbage anime fanfiction.  The audio technicians and dramatists at Pamachu Productions promise to deliver (at an irregular schedule... hey, until this starts paying bills, that is!) two fists full of furious fanfic entertainment; we are your tour guides through a rich, borderline traumatic history of garbage fanfiction.

Click here to see our blog.

Our first audiobook production is NEO ARMAGEDDON EVANGELIST, an Evangelion dark-fic written by self-professed redheaded dominatrix (no, really) named Sara Anne Grantham.  Imagine twenty pages of a red-eyed biker chick smacking the shit out of an obese sociopathic hippie and you have a good idea of the sort of insanity that awaits.  Meet Sublime: the sharp-shootin' Mary Sue in question who spends the entire fanfic blasting people in the face while spouting off impossibly tangled pseudo-philosophical nonsense.  Also meet Washington: an obese hillbilly rapist assassin (no, really) who murders and molests all of Evangelion's canon characters.  Well, except for (the strangely heterosexualized) Kaoru and Gendo, who dramatically proves once and for all that size does not matter. You might also enjoy the melodramatic eviscerations of the entire core cast of Evangelion and the hilariously florid descriptions of sexual trauma.  Not for the faint of heart or easily offended (especially if you're a fan of Fuyutsuki).

Click here to listen to our audiobook recording of NEO ARMAGEDDON EVANGELIST.


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